Sunday, November 20, 2011

Day 241: Mantra Monday - Trust, Faith & Patience

"Trust, Faith & Patience"
I am not a patient person.  I often joke that "patience is a virtue... just not one of mine!"  When I make a decision, I want it done yesterday.  When I'm waiting on somebody else to make a decision... well... it causes a lot of anxiety.   I know this is a feature of my personality that might never change much.  But sometimes I feel like I'd rather get bad news than wait not knowing, which is pretty  illogical!  I can also be really demanding of people once "we" have made up our minds to do something... other folks like to ease into transitions, but I push them.  This causes strain in my relationships.
So this week I'm trying to cultivate patience, by focusing on (1) my trust that other people do the best they can with what they have, and (2) my faith that things really will be alright no matter what.  Three issues, in particular, present a challenge:

(1) I MIGHT have a buyer for my condo in Los Angeles.  The sale will be far below what I'd hoped to get, but it's a tough market, and the neighboring condo unit recently went through a short-sale, which pretty much screwed my building for the foreseeable future. Anyway, the buyer seems like a good fit.  We're in escrow, but that's not the same as a done deal.  My fingers are crossed, and my blood pressure is high.

(2) Michael and I have been bickering about household chores.  I think he isn't pulling his weight, and he thinks he's made a ton of progress since we first met (which he has!) and also that my standards and expectations are too high (hrmmm...).  There have been a few tears and some sharp words.  Michael has pledged his commitment to reaching fairness on this issue, and I know that he means it.  But I know that this will require meeting in the middle, and I'm incredibly anxious about this strange idea of lowering my standards and giving up some control.  Can a former anorexic with continuing food issues trust her husband to do the grocery shopping?!? 

(3) Finally, I've been struggling to trust my body.  Several months ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression and went on a much-needed antidepressant regime.  (Read more about this on Day 98).  Thankfully, the meds have done their job; I've felt like my happy-and-motivated self again (hooray!!!).  BUT, a side effect of one of my medications is increased - ahem, voracious! - appetite.  (I can seriously eat a huge meal and feel hungry again, stomach growling, within 30-45 minutes.)  So, I've gained some weight and am now fighting the urge to become obsessive about food and exercise.

Extreme diets are bad, bad, news, so this week's mantra will remind me to be patient with my body.  I need to continue following Weight Watchers online (which my doctor and therapist approve of), and trust that being moderate and mindful - instead of extreme - will pay off in the end, even if it takes me a little longer to fit into my favorite clothes again (last week I bent over and split a seam in a cherished pair of pants!).  Luckily, I also have Michael's support on this last issue.  He has forbidden me from crash-dieting, and actually seems to like the extra flesh!  (Check out the sweet note he wrote me last week before he left of a business trip.)

I have wondered if not looking in the mirror contributed at all to this weight-gain.  I suppose it's possible, but I prefer to focus on the idea that not looking in the mirror will protect me from over-reacting to gaining weight, whatever the cause.  

Trust, faith & patience please!

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  1. Oh I comiserate! My favourite - that is all time favourite, ever - pair of jeans (the type I had dreamed of owning)ripped right in the butt not from old age but from more flesh than they could handle. I'm still gutted but am chosing (over and over again - it's hard) to feel excited about the new pair of, one size bigger, better fitting and thus more comfortable, jeans I now get to find. Anyway, it happens to everyone and I know what it's like

  2. Try being pregnant and not fitting into the old jeans again for a year after giving birth...

    One advice: you should NEVER get worked up about gaining some weight, because you will get frustrated, and that will only make you gain even more weight. You're probably the only one who notices anyway. By the way - you said yourself that you looked gorgeous in the wedding pictures - that was only a couple of weeks ago, right? You have not become a heffer since then. Impossible.


    Now that we have established that - just get down to business. Eat veg, drink water and herbal tea, allow yourself to eat something sweet or fatty once in a while, and you will be fine soon enough. Oh, and try yoga. Since I've been doing power yoga, I can pretty much eat whatever I want. Plus, it has the positive side effect that it is all about a healthy lifestyle, so you will switch to healthy foods naturally.

    Go for it!

  3. Oh please listen to Michael!! He probably knows you better than you know yourself, and if he is happy with your body/appearance you need to trust that you look fantastic!
    Believe me, I know about self doubt. I was rambling on and on to a friend on time about my skin being bad and acne...blah, blah, blah. She looked at me like I was insane and said "What the hell are you talking about? You don't have bad skin". And I trust her because she always tells it like it is.
    What I'm trying to say is; I may have acne, but nowhere near as bad as what I "think" I have. Same goes with you, what we see in the mirror is not what others are YAY!!

  4. Hey everyone, thanks for the support in your comments today. I'm feeling a lot more calm, particularly after the reminder to look at my wedding photos, which were taken only 6 weeks ago. I see a happy, confident, and - yes - beautiful woman in those photos. I'm still that person, and will be her regardless of how much I weigh! :)

  5. Oh, and a final thought.... If I can trust other people to do the best they can with what they have, I need to do the same with myself.

  6. Ok, that was a great post about body image, and I just loved the little cartoon about patience. :)

  7. Maybe there's another med that might work without the same side effects? I agree with you that trusting yourself to do the best you can is a good idea. If you're like me, you're way too hard on yourself. Remember one of your past Mantras: "good enough is good enough". Hang in there and thanks for sharing these thoughts. For an obviously smart and successful person to have insecurities makes me realize that everyone has them.

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  9. I have said that so many times! "Patience is a virtue... that I don't have!"

  10. In answer to "Can a former anorexic with continuing food issues trust her husband to do the grocery shopping?"

    No, but it's not because you're a former anorexic. It's because he's a boy (guys, take this as a bit of tongue in cheek please). Take pictures of specific items and send them to his phone to make sure he gets the right things. I'm a particular grocery shopper, and this has come in handy many times when sending my man to the store.

  11. I have food allergies so I know how you feel in trusting with the food shopping. I agree with Casey. Take pictures, or send a generic list, and if a specific item is important enough, make sure you get it when it is your turn to do the shopping. When my guy and I first started sharing a household, we went shopping together every week for the first month or so, until I was comfortable with him doing the bulk of a weekly shopping trip on his own.

  12. It's hard, but I've been doing Weight Watchers, too. My husband's a chef and I write about food, wine and restaurants so it's hard not to eat a whole plate of pasta. I gained a pound this week and have been trying not to be really hard on myself. Weight loss -- or trying to get healthy, as I'm trying to frame it in my mind -- is hard.

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