"Trust, Faith & Patience"I am not a patient person. I often joke that "patience is a virtue... just not one of mine!" When I make a decision, I want it done yesterday. When I'm waiting on somebody else to make a decision... well... it causes a lot of anxiety. I know this is a feature of my personality that might never change much. But sometimes I feel like I'd rather get bad news than wait not knowing, which is pretty illogical! I can also be really demanding of people once "we" have made up our minds to do something... other folks like to ease into transitions, but I push them. This causes strain in my relationships.
(1) I MIGHT have a buyer for my condo in Los Angeles. The sale will be far below what I'd hoped to get, but it's a tough market, and the neighboring condo unit recently went through a short-sale, which pretty much screwed my building for the foreseeable future. Anyway, the buyer seems like a good fit. We're in escrow, but that's not the same as a done deal. My fingers are crossed, and my blood pressure is high.
(2) Michael and I have been bickering about household chores. I think he isn't pulling his weight, and he thinks he's made a ton of progress since we first met (which he has!) and also that my standards and expectations are too high (hrmmm...). There have been a few tears and some sharp words. Michael has pledged his commitment to reaching fairness on this issue, and I know that he means it. But I know that this will require meeting in the middle, and I'm incredibly anxious about this strange idea of lowering my standards and giving up some control. Can a former anorexic with continuing food issues trust her husband to do the grocery shopping?!?
(3) Finally, I've been struggling to trust my body. Several months ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression and went on a much-needed antidepressant regime. (Read more about this on Day 98). Thankfully, the meds have done their job; I've felt like my happy-and-motivated self again (hooray!!!). BUT, a side effect of one of my medications is increased - ahem, voracious! - appetite. (I can seriously eat a huge meal and feel hungry again, stomach growling, within 30-45 minutes.) So, I've gained some weight and am now fighting the urge to become obsessive about food and exercise.
Extreme diets are bad, bad, news, so this week's mantra will remind me to be patient with my body. I need to continue following Weight Watchers online (which my doctor and therapist approve of), and trust that being moderate and mindful - instead of extreme - will pay off in the end, even if it takes me a little longer to fit into my favorite clothes again (last week I bent over and split a seam in a cherished pair of pants!). Luckily, I also have Michael's support on this last issue. He has forbidden me from crash-dieting, and actually seems to like the extra flesh! (Check out the sweet note he wrote me last week before he left of a business trip.)
I have wondered if not looking in the mirror contributed at all to this weight-gain. I suppose it's possible, but I prefer to focus on the idea that not looking in the mirror will protect me from over-reacting to gaining weight, whatever the cause.
Trust, faith & patience please!
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